Writing When Trapped

I'm gonna be honest; I'm writing this post four hours before it goes up! I planned a completely different post for this week, but just couldn't finish it. Life decided to stick me on a rollercoaster and take me for an emotional ride. For an entire week. I was determined not to post anything this week, but I decided to get off my butt, be honest, and write about how I'm feeling. 

I've been so excited about the holidays since September, but in a blink my excitement vanished after a bad encounter ("bad encounter" is an understatement). This has been one of the most emotionally intense times of my life. I don't know how many times I broke down crying last week. I feel trapped in a life I don't want. My goals are hijacked. I'm alone, clueless of where to go next. I'm groundless and lost. What path am I meant to pursue? There are so many, but realistically I can't pursue them all. I really, really don't know what to do next. I was in my room most of the time, depriving my body of food and then feeding it whatever I wanted 一 as a cry for help 一 because I was so angry with the situation that was my life. To be clear, I'm still angry, but I'm handling it differently. 

Last week was epiphany after epiphany. Most of them negative.

But the purpose of this post is not to be a Debby downer 一 although it sure seems like it. This next week holds multitudinous opportunities! Here's how I'm dealing with my hardships:

Whenever I'm overly overwhelmed with emotion and lack of clarity, like right now, I ALWAYS turn to writing. Writing, for example writing a journal entry, helps me make sense of my life, of my emotions, which is so important. My feelings and thoughts are written down; so I can formulate. I can process them and create a plan of action. My journal is my rock. 

Aside from journaling, I want to do other writing projects. I want to write a short story. I just want to! Maybe one that's holiday-themed (I have some ideas) or suspenseful and creepy. 

I've been so unsure and indecisive of what I want to do with my life, how I want to contribute to the world; for right now, I'll continue writing, whether through journaling, poetry, short stories, personal narratives, whatever. Who knows? Maybe I'll write a book along the way!

I also enjoy walking and photographing nature, as you can see.

Another thing: whenever I heard anyone utter the words, "prioritizing mental health," I would shrug my shoulders and look the other way. I PLAN ON prioritizing my mental health from now on. Every time a crisis occurs, I spin out of control, scream into my pillow, break something, or make an impulsive decision (kind of like this post, but it's better than all the other impulsive decisions I've made). One time I cut my hair, another time I stormed out of the house. But I want to make progress. I want to get up after the fight. Realizing just how much certain people impacted my sense of self has been big for me. I don't want to go into shutdown mode just because someone gave me a hard time. Then they win. 

I want to take care of myself. I don't value myself nearly as much as I should. My self-confidence can go from 100 to 0 within seconds. But I am something. You are something. More situations like this will happen. What matters to me is that I see the light at the end of the tunnel and move towards it. Can I bring myself back after being really angry? Our worlds can get chaotic, but there's always a way to come back.

More than screaming into a pillow and damaging my vocal chords, writing helps me do that. I feel calm and in control already. This was a spur-of-the-moment post so I know it's all over the place, but it's a little victory! It's a reminder that the week can go in all sorts of directions, but you can always get back up :)

This week's Healthy Habit: journal; break down your emotions, write about how you feel right now. 

Thanks for baring with me! I'll try to get that other post up on Thursday. 

And the holiday content begins! Happy Monday!